6 Power Strategies for Changing Your Attachment Style

Psychologists say that your attachment style forms in early childhood—but what if you could change it?

According to attachment theory, the relationship you have with your primary caregiver in your early years shapes how your romantic relationships play out as an adult. Most people with an insecure attachment style experience some problems in their dating lives. They may struggle to open up emotionally and pull away when someone gets too close (an avoidant attachment style). Or they may have an anxious style, craving constant validation and depending on their partner for happiness.

Whatever form it takes, an insecure attachment style can be exhausting and prevent you from forming the genuine connection you crave.

In contrast, someone with secure attachment feels comfortable sharing their emotions and depending on others, without worrying about being abandoned or rejected. Since research suggests that most couples in lasting relationships tend to have secure attachment styles, you may benefit from rewiring an insecure attachment style to a more secure one. Here are some power strategies that can help.

1. Work on your self-esteem

You’ve probably heard the statement “no one can love you unless you love yourself” too many times to count—because it’s true. Securely attached people have confidence in their partner’s love for them and enough self-esteem to tell their partners when poor behavior isn’t okay. They know when they’re letting other people influence their self-image and they’ll take steps to reinforce those necessary boundaries. 

People with insecure attachment styles may have to work harder to stop seeking approval from others and focus on finding it within themselves. Start by increasing your support system and engaging in activities that make you feel confident. Some people find affirmations helpful as a first step to replacing negative self-talk with positive self-talk.

2. Learn how to express your vulnerability

Insecure attachment can cripple you in terms of expressing your emotional needs. Anxiously attached people worry that upsetting their partner will cause them to leave, so they pretend that everything is fine or go overboard trying to keep the peace. Meanwhile, people with avoidant attachment tend to keep their emotions a secret. They stick to their boundaries too much and don’t allow themselves to be vulnerable, which can cause relationships to be more surface-level than deep, lasting connections.

If you have an insecure attachment style, you should learn to express your emotional needs in a healthy way, whether that's by softening your too-firm boundaries or by directly but calmly communicating your feelings. Your partner may not always respond perfectly, but with practice you can learn to be vulnerable without fear.

3. Think before you react

Under stress, a person with an insecure attachment style will fall back into a well-used pattern. If you’re anxiously attached, this might be complaining to your partner that you don’t get enough quality time with them, texting them multiple times when you don’t receive a response or worrying that they don’t love you as much anymore.  Avoidants, on the other hand, withdraw from their partner by leaving to spend time with friends or staying later at work.

To combat this tendency, it’s important to react by not taking action. Take time to pause and think through the moment of anxiety. Are you worrying for no reason? Are you overreacting? Instead of reacting based on fear, take time to reflect and gain perspective on the situation as you figure out your next steps.

4. Practice doing the opposite of what you usually do

It's not always appropriate to do the exact opposite of what you normally do in a situation, but sometimes it can help to break out of your attachment style pattern. For example, if you tend to cling and demand reassurance when things get tough in your relationship, try giving your partner some space and focusing on reassuring yourself instead. Instead of sending a second, third or fourth text message asking if they’re okay, turn your phone off for 10 minutes and wait until you’ve calmed down.

Or if you tend to withdraw and shut down during arguments, try staying with your partner longer than you normally would. Over time, these small changes can help you form more secure attachment behaviors.

5. Soothe yourself

People with insecure attachment styles often have trouble soothing themselves in times of distress, which is why they look to their partner or outside sources like work to comfort them. Securely attached people, on the other hand, are able to calm themselves down and regulate their emotions on their own.

While soothing your own anxiety (or fear of rejection) is a skill you won’t learn overnight, you can use some helpful tricks to calm yourself down during stressful situations. Mindfulness exercises like deep breathing can help you pause to reflect on your thoughts and feelings. Keep a thought journal to track how you’re feeling in these moments. This will  help you understand your own feelings and triggers better, so that you can actively work on them.

6. Spend time around couples with healthy relationships 

Surrounding yourself with people in healthy relationships can help you understand what a secure relationship looks like and what you should be pursuing in your own relationships. In particular, observe how the two interact in difficult situations, like a conflict. Do they listen to each other? Do they validate each other’s feelings? Do they express their emotions in a healthy way?

Don’t hesitate to ask your coupled friends how they compromise and approach disagreements. You might glean some wisdom and have a better idea of how you can approach conflict, as well as have healthy, productive discussions with your partner.

Your attachment style isn’t permanent

Changing your attachment style will take time and patience. It isn’t an easy process, so it’s best to be generous with yourself as you do the work. The good news is your attachment style isn’t permanent, and you can learn to become more secure. And some research suggests that anxious and avoidant attachment both tend to decrease with age, so sometimes maturity will help you heal cyclical relationship problems. You can also become more secure if you find a partner with a secure attachment style. 

If you feel you need more help in overcoming your attachment style, don’t be afraid to seek out the help of a counselor who works on healing insecure attachment styles.

Most of all, remember that an insecure attachment style is not a reflection of your worth or a death sentence for your relationships. You can also have healthy, loving relationships if both parties work to understand each other’s needs.