Love Bombing: What is It and Why Has It Become the Latest Toxic Trait?
If things are moving too fast, take a pause and ask yourself why.
Romantic comedies have a lot to answer for. We all know how the story goes down: two people’s lives collide — typically in a ‘meet cute’ scenario — and one quickly becomes besotted with the other. They spend the majority of the movie pining after their beloved and searching for ways to win them over before the happily ever after. The narrative moves quickly and the character is solely focused on romantic pursuit.
Of course, that’s not quite how healthy, real-life romances play out. So, if you feel like a relationship or friendship is moving double-time and with a one-track mind, consider who is in the driving seat. You might be being love-bombed.
In this article, we’re taking a look at what the manipulation tactic of ‘love bombing’ is and why you need to be oh-so cautious of it.
What is Love Bombing? Quick Definition
New relationships can be exhilarating. When you meet someone you simply ‘click’ with, it’s natural to want to get to know them better. However, when your new flame is keen to turn up the heat ASAP, you could have a love-bomber on your hands.
Picture the scene: They buy you extravagant gifts, give you compliments, tell you that you’re their soulmate, or even book a surprise vacation for the two of you. It’s the stuff of love stories, or so it seems. While all of these actions are flattering, you have to question why the person has seemingly fallen head-over-heels so fast.
As Dr. Amy Serin, Neuropsychologist and Founder of Serin Centers explains, there could be more to their actions than first meets the eye. Rather than being enamored with you, the aim of the game could be to deceive and, ultimately, take advantage.
“Love-bombers can show intense, fast attachment to the other person and may pretend to be the perfect mate to lure the other person in and create a quick bond,” says Serin. “They can shower gifts or affection in very early stages and create the illusion that they are wonderful and the relationship is one of fairy tales.”
The Toxic Dating Trait That You Never Expected
Think it’s all compliments and chocolate boxes? Think again. While you’re in the honeymoon phase, you could be forgiven for lapping up the attention. You’re only human. However, this whirlwind romance likely has more to do with them than you.
“Narcissists who will eventually turn on you use this tactic,” explains Serin. These individuals will use the faux connection to manipulate and control you. What’s more, they aren’t the only type of person to tap into the power of love-bombing. Serin says that those with "unhealthy attachment styles" will also use the tactic as well as those who are "anxious and do not feel whole without being in a relationship."
So, why do people fall for it? The short answer is that love-bombing feeds into our baseline urge to be accepted. If a new partner, or even friend, is acting like you’re the most perfect person they’ve ever encountered, you might be inclined to agree.
“Love-bombing touches those exact soft spots — the need to feel liked, loved, important, et cetera, and the need to impress another person,” explains Callisto Adams, a relationship expert and coach at Hetexted.com. “In a way, it positively reassures people of their likeability as personalities and as physical appearances.”
There’s nothing wrong with someone making you feel good. However, if that person becomes your main source of confidence, you hand over all of your power to them.
“In the minds of people who are being love-bombed, the feeling of being liked and feeling good gets closely related to the person who’s making them feel that way,” explains Adams. “We start needing that person to feel good about ourselves, because we feel seen and heard by them.”
The moment that you start to need the other person, they can make their move. Love-bombers can use their newfound hold over you in multiple ways. They may ask favors of you, borrow money, or simply have you do their bidding in social situations.
“It puts them in a good position to use manipulative tactics for them to feel important, have control, or fulfill other specific needs they have,” says Adams. Much like a puppet-master, the love-bomber may take total control of you. You might be the one doing the walking and talking, but you’d better believe they are pulling the strings.
How to Spot a Love-Bomber: 5 Telltale Signs
Are things moving too fast for you? Are you worried that this new person is trying to hurry you into a committed relationship? The signs of love-bombing may seem positive at first glance. However, it’s about when the other person starts introducing them. Let’s take a look at some of the telltale signs and styles of love-bombing.
1. They say the L-word soon after meeting you
Saying "I love you" on the second date is a red flag. According to Serin, a potential love-bomber may be all too quick to profess their undying love for you with phrases like "I can't believe you are so perfect," "I never knew I could feel like this," or "My astrologer said I would meet my soulmate today and here you are."
2. You quickly become the center of their world
It doesn’t end there. Are you already their main priority? “In the long run, affection isn’t only expressed verbally,” says Adams. “One of the common signs is the rapidness of the display of affection through words, behavior, and gifts. It [can be] normal to become the ‘center of someone’s world’ but there’s something off if that happens within days or weeks of meeting them.”
3. They put a lot of emphasis on the relationship
One of the biggest signs of love-bombing is the value that the other person puts on you and your connection. Serin says this behavior consists of "being very focused on you and the relationship over other things at the start." They may say things like "You are the most important thing" and "Let's make plans for the entire weekend."
4. They start making long-term plans fast
You’ve only met twice but they are booking a vacation for next Fall. Something’s off. “Making plans about the future is part of being in a romantic relationship. However, those [usually] take some time to enter the picture,” says Adams. “In the case of love-bombing, such conversations about the future start taking place very very early — in most extreme cases, even in the ‘online dating’ stages of the connection.”
5. They act like your knight in shining armor
Do they seem too good to be true? If the person acts as though they can save you from a current or sweep you off your feet, you need to be wary. Nobody needs a knight in shining armor to whisk them away. Serin says that this approach is all about "creating the illusion that they can rescue you or attune to your every need." Once they have you believing that, they can start to subtly infiltrate every part of your life.
Final words
Are the alarm bells ringing? If you’re currently being love-bombed, it’s important not to get drawn in by the manipulation tactic. Don’t buy into the hype.
“Love-bombing is manipulation because it's typically more than just showering someone with affection,” says Serin. “It's a way to get someone very invested in a relationship without doing the real work of getting to know each other.”
“It creates a relationship on the foundation of dopamine and illusion that typically can't sustain,” she continues. “If someone is invested in impressing you, getting you to give a fast commitment or having you believe they are your soulmate, that is manipulation. It’s not a healthy relationship that can sustain in the long run.”
Sadly, there’s no magic trick to help you ward off love-bombers. People using this tactic may wander into your life from time to time. Serin says that the antidote is to "take your time and know the signs." If a new person seems too good to be true, chances are, they probably are. Keep your wits about you at all times and take the relationship at a pace that suits you — rather than letting them dictate or rush it.
