Feeling Emotionally Numb? Two Therapists Explain How to Feel Like Yourself Again

When difficult emotions strike, you have one of two options: 

• Confront the emotion head on and feel all the discomfort, confusion and pain that comes with it, or
• Numb the emotion with your dopamine-inducing mechanism of choice: alcohol, food, gaming, exercising—whatever lets you escape those feelings for a while. 

Now, logically, we all know what the healthy, therapist-approved option is. And yet, many of us still turn to emotional numbing instead.

Why is that? And how can we get better at regulating our more challenging emotions? 

We spoke to two therapists to find out.  

Emotional numbing: What’s your defense of choice?

In an ideal world, we would all process difficult emotions as soon as they arise. But, as Hilary Jacobs Hendel, LCSW, AEDP psychotherapist, emotions educator and author notes, most of us have never learnt how to.

“We get no basic education on emotions in school,” she says. “They can seem powerful, uncomfortable, scary and even unbearable.” 

She goes on to explain that, when we don’t know how to soothe our emotions, our brains seek out creative ways to suppress them. These mechanisms are called defenses, and they come in all shapes and sizes.

“Drugs, alcohol, binge-watching, doom-scrolling and being consumed by work are all examples of emotional numbing,” says Ryan Howes, Ph.D., ABPP psychologist, and writer, listing the more common methods to numb out. Though, he notes, there are more sneaky forms, too. 

“Even compulsively engaging in behaviors that are otherwise healthy, like working out, engaging in a busy social life, and charitable or spiritual work can be types of emotional numbing,” he says. 

Jacobs Hendel agrees, noting that “there are many creative ways we can numb emotions, like eating too much or too little (eating disorders), over-working (workaholism), isolating, and even depression, which is a full “system shutdown” to numb core emotions.”

Of course, that’s not to say that you’re definitely numbing out if you work late at the office for a few days or have one too many drinks on a Friday night. It’s your underlying mindset that distinguishes numbing out from healthy behaviors. 

“It’s not so much what the behavior is, but the motivation behind it,” Howes says. “If you’re engaged in an engrossing activity that takes you away from problems that need your attention, you’re emotionally numbing.”

What’s wrong with sidestepping your emotions?

While emotional numbing might feel good in the moment, our experts are resolute that it causes much more harm than good. 

In the short-term, emotional numbing is a highly inefficient form of problem solving—one that can lead to a bottleneck of emotional backlog if you’re not careful. “All types of avoidance prolong the issues you’re trying to avoid,” Howes says. “You’re putting off the work of identifying the problem and resolving it.” 

As well as masking the real problem, emotional numbing can also diminish your ability to feel any feelings at all. “We need emotions to feel alive and to intimately connect with others,” says Jacobs Hendel. She explains that when people avoid their negative emotions, they also inhibit their access to positive ones. So while you think you're simply blocking out the pain, you may also be numbing yourself from experiencing joy, love, hope and gratitude.  

It’s no surprise, then, that emotional numbing can have harmful effects on mental health. As Jacobs Hendel notes, chronic use of numbing can lead to anxiety, depression and even physical symptoms like headaches and high blood pressure. 

Three tips to kick your emotional-numbing habit

It’s fair to say we all know instinctively that emotional numbing is bad. But, let’s face it, feeling difficult emotions isn’t that tempting either. 

Thankfully, our experts have three tips to make the process of experiencing your emotions more bearable. 

1. Work on your self-awareness

Self-awareness is a skill that helps you understand and manage your thoughts, moods and actions. Unfortunately, a lot of people aren’t very good at it. 

“I used to be scared of being with my emotions until they were demystified during my training to become an AEDP psychotherapist,” shares Jacobs Hendel. She is disappointed by the lack of emotional education in schools, but optimistic that anyone can teach themselves to become self-aware and regulate their emotions. 

As a starting point, tools like Truity's Emotional Intelligence test, which you can take for free, will show you how you score against the five factors of emotional intelligence. One of those factors is self-awareness, or the ability to recognize your own emotional experiences. Becoming aware is the first step to getting power over your emotions and making confident decisions about how to handle them.

Beyond that, look online for articles, videos, podcasts and other resources to help you become more self-aware. Jacobs Hendel’s book, It’s Not Always Depression, offers an in-depth toolkit to help people connect to, and heal from, challenging emotions. 

2. Be honest with yourself

Even as you start to develop your self-awareness, the temptation to numb out will likely still be strong. To stay on the straight and narrow, Howes recommends that you make a commitment to being honest with yourself. 

“Emotional numbing often starts with us telling ourselves that we’re fine and everything is okay,” he explains. He recommends that you check in with yourself to discover what emotions you’re running away from when the urge to numb out begins. 

Jacobs Hendel agrees, advising readers to name the specific emotion causing discomfort. 

“Ask yourself: Am I scared? Am I sad? Am I angry? Am I disgusted? Am I excited or happy? See how many of these core emotions you can name. We can have several emotions happening at the same time and they can even be opposite in nature,” she explains. 

Importantly, labeling these emotions needs to happen without self-shaming or judgment. As Jacobs Hendel notes, “that will just bring up more uncomfortable inhibitory emotions like shame and guilt. Instead, approach your inner world with compassion and curiosity.”

3. Learn to regulate your feelings

Identifying difficult feelings is half the battle. The next step is to learn how to regulate them in a healthy way. Emotional regulation, also known as emotional control, is another aspect of emotional intelligence. People who score high on this facet have a sense of control over their emotional experiences and can usually direct their emotions in a way that helps them meet their goals.

To improve your emotional regulation, Howes recommends seeking support from someone you trust to process your feelings. 

“Find a colleague, friend, loved one, or therapist and let them know what you need. Do you need advice and problem solving, or just someone to hear you vent? Share what’s happening, and let yourself physically feel and express the emotions inside,” he says. 

Of course, sometimes leaning on someone else isn’t an option. In that case, Howes advises practicing self-reflection. 

“Many people keep a journal: writing down what’s happening in their life, how it makes them feel, and what they plan to do about it,” he advises. He says that even writing a few sentences whenever the need arises can do a world of good. 

Is it ever okay to numb out?

While good emotional control should be your reaction to challenging feelings 80% of the time, our experts recognize that, sometimes, a little numbing out isn’t so bad—as long as you do it consciously and in moderation. 

“There are times when a person is so exhausted by, or flooded with, negative emotions that taking a break can be a healthy choice,” explains Howes. He says that sometimes it’s okay to opt for a Netflix marathon at the end of a long, hard day. 

“We all need defenses,” agrees Jacobs Hendel. “But it’s the degree to which we numb that matters. I may squash my hurt feelings at work so I don’t act “unprofessionally,” but later, I should tend to those emotions, making space to name, validate, and process them.”

From numbing to feeling

If you chronically turn to numbing out, change will take time. But it is certainly possible. “We are never too old to change old patterns,” Jacobs Hendel says. You can take comfort in the fact that, when you feel the bad, you also open yourself up to feeling the good. 

As Brene Brown writes in Dare to Lead: "If we numb the dark, we numb the light. If we take the edge off pain and discomfort, we are, by default, taking the edge off joy, love, belonging, and the other emotions that give meaning to our lives.”

Undoubtedly, there is a lot to gain from feeling those difficult emotions. It’s the gateway to feeling the beautiful ones, too.